THE ZERO EFFECT

Sometimes you see an advance bootleg and you think to yourself: “don’t even waste your time.”

Such was the case with “Taken,” written and produced by French dramatic-actioneer Luc Besson and starring Liam Neeson.

Well, I’m happy to announce that Taken wasn’t a complete waste of time. Actually, it was quite a bit of fun. I am a huge fan of revenge movies and invincible characters like Taken’s Bryan Mills are right up my alley. If you liked the 1985 movie Commando, Taken is a more sophisticated version minus the pumped muscles and cheesy one-liners.

A quick set up: Mills (Neeson) is a former spook who quits the espionage biz in order to mend fences with his hot young daughter Kim (Maggie Grace). When she asks for his permission to vacation in Paris (she’s a minor), he’s reluctant at first (for good reason), but eventually gives the go ahead. As soon as the plane lands on the tarmac, little Kimmie is abducted by violent immigrant traffickers. Using a frantic voice mail as his only clue, Liam heads to Paris with cold-blooded vengeance on the brain.

What follows is your standard action thriller, but this one takes great pleasure in its brutality. The imposing Neeson gets to display some fancy gunplay/detective/fighting skills. Heads get slammed, groins get stabbed, there’s even a steam pipe attack (homage to Commando?).  The violence keeps amping up and at one point, Liam accosts one of the kidnappers, stabs nails into his kneecaps, clamps on some electrodes, and proceeds to torture him for information. That’s how its done George Bush! Waterboarding is for fags! Anyway – I really want to spoil this one scene involving the wife of a corrupt cop, but I can’t in good conscience. So I’ll just shut up, but trust me – it will spin you like it spun me.

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Look out for Taken in theaters early next year.

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Jon Favreau has begun development on Iron Man 2, set for release in 2010. Robert Downey Jr. will also return to play billionaire Tony Stark. Only this time – he will take on double acting duties, replacing co-star Terrance Howard.

“You wants mo Iron Man movies? Well, I wants mo money. You jive turkeys.”

Nicolas Cage has joined the cast of Mark Millar’s “Kick-Ass.” The movie follows the exploits of a nerdy teenager who sets out to become a super hero despite having no super powers. Also without super powers? Nic Cage’s hairline.

“No I’m not in character. It’s laundry day.”
The reviews are coming in for Anna Faris’s “House Bunny” and they are surprisingly positive…as was her STD test. You naughty little freak.

“…and this is what they call The Walk of Shame.”
Vin Diesel is back – and he’s balder and growlier than ever in “Babylon A.D.” Check it out.

I was searching through the internets last night and accidentally tripped over an Asian bootleg screener of Paul W.S. Anderson’s “Death Race” set to release this weekend.*

Now, I’ve never actually seen the original “Death Race 2000.” However, I did get to see the trailer which was cheesy as hell (then again, notorious cheapo producer Roger Corman was behind it). So naturally, I was reluctant to watch a remake of Death Race. But since I’m not a big-time blogger (as of yet) and no one is exactly scrambling to send advance screeners to my home – I figured I would take my chances and get this review out before the big boys.

I’ll start off by saying I’m no fan of Anderson’s (as a director or producer) due to the fact everything he touches turns to mud. In his short career, he’s managed to poison three high profile franchises (Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil, and Aliens Vs. Predator) and is generally considered (by most fanboys) to be the American version of German crapmaster extraordinaire Uwe Boll – which is a tad harsh in my opinion. Even so, I was ready to be thoroughly disappointed.

Then something happened that actually shocked me. I realized that – it was actually – alright. Pretty good even in that it was exactly what I thought it would be. Cars, chicks, explosions, repeat. Definitely his best effort since Event Horizon and that’s me trying to give Anderson some credit. To reiterate, the movie is called Death Race. They are telling you everything you need to know in the title. So if you want a racing movie with a smart script – well, you’re sh*t out of luck (Days of Thunder perhaps?) But if you’re looking for ultra-violence, this movie is something like if Takashi Miike directed Cannonball Run. Various psychos with their customized murder cars, ice-grilling and killing. So that should make all the sociopaths in the audience very happy.

Anyway – off to the races.

The plot goes like this: Jason Statham plays Ames, an ex-con and former NASCAR racer (coincidence, huh?) who is framed for the murder of his wife (damn, throw on some more misfortune why don’t you?) by ‘bitch on wheels’ warden Joan Allen. She’s runs a super-prison called Terminal Island and has created a pay-per-view show where the winners get pardoned and the losers, well…they gets dead.

Statham kicks ass (as usual) although I’m concerned that he essentially plays the same character in every movie. Then again, if it ain’t broke…? Ian McShane is the wise old dude who knows everything about everything – and you basically believe that he does. Natalie Martinez sizzles as a Spanish POA navigator. Tyrese plays badass Machine Gun Joe, Ames’ beefy (on the track) nemesis. Main baddie Joan Allen does a variation of Pamela Landy and a woman who hasn’t been f**ked in twenty years…one mean-ass puta.  The racing scenes are well shot and the editing is kinetic. The hard rockin’ metal music cues get a bit redundant, but that’s a minor gripe. Other that that – it was a fun watch. So if you want a big, dumb, loud, sexy, gory popcorn movie that doesn’t disappoint…see Death Race. After all, nothing else is coming out this weekend.

*Note to the coppers: Don’t jump the gun and blame all piracy on the Asians. In fact, most of the bootlegs I watch these days have Spanish subtitles – lawless bastards. Oops – guess that means me too. Oh well.

Jennifer Aniston is still on the endless journey to replace her ex-hubby, and has decided it’s not going to be with John Mayer.  She’s getting closer with Matt Felker, but is it just me or does he look like he has a gay-face?  Pitt is pretty, but this is just downright wrong!  LL luvs SR!!!

The man who said he’d never get married again has done the unthinkable!  Howard Stern had a ‘B’ tattooed on his left hand ring finger in replacement of a ring for his upcoming nuptials to the beautiful Beth Ostrosky…or maybe it stands for BORING!  She had an ‘H’ tattooed on the inside of her wrist, but will of course rock some kind of ridiculously obnoxious blood diamond on her ring finger…HOLLA!

Solange Knowles is desperate for fans!  While performing “I Decided” at STONE SOUL PICNIC 2008, a crasher joined her on stage.  So what does she do?  She shows everyone just how classy she is by whooping it with him!  But then ever-so-cleverly moves her mike over to the left.  See it for yourself.

WAAAHHHH!!!…The paparazzi won’t stop following me around. Well, Sienna Miller, maybe you should stop doing things that you know will make news…like going topless every chance you get.  Although it seems like you have managed to keep the one with a wife and 4 children.  PS when you beg, it makes you seem weak.